Miss Lovett's Meat Pie Shop

MRS. LOVETT:
Seems a downright shame...

TODD: Shame?

LOVETT:
Seems an awful waste...
Such a nice, plump frame
Wot's 'is name has...
Had...
Has!
Nor it can't be traced...
Bus'ness needs a lift,
Debts to be erased...
Think of it as thrift,
As a gift,
If you get my drift!

No?

Seems an awful waste...
I mean, with the price of meat
What it is,
When you get it,
If you get it...

TODD: HAH!

LOVETT:
Good, you got it!

Take, for instance, Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop!
Bus'ness never better using only pussycats and toast!
And a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the most!
And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste!

[Simultaneously]

TODD:
Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion

LOVETT:
Well, it does seem a waste...

TODD:
Eminently practical
And yet appropriate as always!

LOVETT:
It's an idea...

TODD:
Mrs. Lovett, how I've lived
Without you all these years, I'll never know!
How delectable!
Also undetectable!

LOVETT:
Think about it!
Lots of other gentlemen'll
Soon be comin' for a shave,
Won't they?
Think of
All them
Pies!

TODD:
How choice!

How
Rare!

TODD:
For what's the sound of the world out there?

LOVETT:
What, Mr. Todd?
What, Mr. Todd?
What is that sound?

TODD:
Those crunching noises pervading the air!

LOVETT:
Yes, Mr. Todd!
Yes, Mr. Todd!
Yes, all around!

TODD:
It's man devouring man, my dear!

BOTH:
And [LOVETT: Then] who are we to deny it in here?

TODD: (spoken) These are desperate times,
Mrs. Lovett, and desperate measures are called for!

LOVETT: Here we are, now! Hot out of the oven!

TODD: What is that?

LOVETT:
It's priest. Have a little priest.

TODD:
Is it really good?

LOVETT:
Sir, it's too good, at least!
Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh,
So it's pretty fresh.

TODD:
Awful lot of fat.

LOVETT:
Only where it sat.

TODD:
Haven't you got poet, or something like that?

LOVETT:
No, y'see, the trouble with poet is
'Ow do you know it's deceased?
Try the priest!

TODD: (spoken) Heavenly!
Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps,
but then again, not as bland as curate, either!

LOVETT:
And good for business, too -- always leaves you wantin' more!
Trouble is, we only get it on Sundays!

Lawyer's rather nice.

TODD:
If it's for a price.

LOVETT:
Order something else, though, to follow,
Since no one should swallow it twice!

TODD:
Anything that's lean.

LOVETT:
Well, then, if you're British and loyal,
You might enjoy Royal Marine!
Anyway, it's clean.
Though of course, it tastes of wherever it's been!

TODD:
Is that squire,
On the fire?

LOVETT:
Mercy no, sir, look closer,
You'll notice it's grocer!

TODD:
Looks thicker,
More like vicar!

LOVETT:
No, it has to be grocer --
It's green!

TODD:
The history of the world, my love --

LOVETT:
Save a lot of graves,
Do a lot of relatives favors!

TODD:
Is those below serving those up above!

LOVETT:
Ev'rybody shaves,
So there should be plenty of flavors!

TODD:
How gratifying for once to know

BOTH:
That those above will serve those down below!

LOVETT: (spoken) Now let's see, here... We've got tinker.

TODD: Something... pinker.

LOVETT: Tailor?

TODD: Paler.

LOVETT: Butler?

TODD: Subtler.

LOVETT: Potter?

TODD: Hotter.

LOVETT: Locksmith?

Lovely bit of clerk.

TODD:
Maybe for a lark.

LOVETT:
Then again there's sweep
If you want it cheap
And you like it dark!
Try the financier,
Peak of his career!

TODD:
That looks pretty rank.

LOVETT:
Well, he drank,
It's a bank
Cashier.
Never really sold.
Maybe it was old.

TODD:
Have you any Beadle?

LOVETT:
Next week, so I'm told!
Beadle isn't bad till you smell it and
Notice 'ow well it's been greased...
Stick to priest!

(spoken) Now then, this might be a little bit stringy,
but then of course it's... fiddle player!

TODD: No, this isn't fiddle player -- it's piccolo player!

LOVETT: 'Ow can you tell?

TODD: It's piping hot!

LOVETT: Then blow on it first!

TODD:
The history of the world, my sweet --

LOVETT:
Oh, Mr. Todd,
Ooh, Mr. Todd,
What does it tell?

TODD:
Is who gets eaten, and who gets to eat!

LOVETT:
And, Mr. Todd,
Too, Mr. Todd,
Who gets to sell!

TODD:
But fortunately, it's also clear

BOTH:
That [L: But] ev'rybody goes down well with beer!

LOVETT: (spoken)
Since marine doesn't appeal to you, 'ow about... rear admiral?

TODD: Too salty. I prefer general.

LOVETT: With, or without his privates? "With" is extra.

TODD: What is that?

LOVETT:
It's fop.
Finest in the shop.
And we have some shepherd's pie peppered
With actual shepherd on top!
And I've just begun --
Here's the politician, so oily
It's served with a doily,
Have one!

TODD:
Put it on a bun.
Well, you never know if it's going to run!

LOVETT:
Try the friar,
Fried, it's drier!

TODD:
No, the clergy is really
Too coarse and too mealy!

LOVETT:
Then actor,
That's compacter!

TODD:
Yes, and always arrives overdone!
I'll come again when you have JUDGE on the menu!

LOVETT: (spoken) Wait! True, we don't have judge yet,
but we've got something you might fancy even better.

TODD: What's that?

LOVETT: Executioner!

TODD:
Have charity towards the world, my pet!

LOVETT:
Yes, yes, I know, my love!

TODD:
We'll take the customers that we can get!

LOVETT:
High-born and low, my love!

TODD:
We'll not discriminate great from small!
No, we'll serve anyone,
Meaning anyone,

BOTH:
And to anyone
At all!

-breaks into hysterical laughter- thishahahahaahaishahahaha-breaks into hysterical laughter-hahahaonehahahahaofhahahahahatheahahahahahafunnesthahahahathingshahahahaivehahahareadhahaha
-breaks into hysterical laughter-

-smiles broadly-

i thot ud like that...

yes this is hysterical i wonder who else will like it

eh..if they read it...

-walks over to oven-

wud u like some kaguya? or maybe some Raikage?

im gonna take a wild guess and say you recently saw Sweeny Todd

no..i saw it quite a while ago...wud u like a pie sir?

WOULD ANYONE LIKE A PIE!!!?

FRESH OUTTA THE OVEN!!!